Disquieting feeling
10 October 2006 by livingrainbowcolor
I’m not quite comfortable with this feeling of steady weight loss. Clearly it’s cyclic, and a single new reading isn’t the last time I’ll see that number. Clearly it’s rational, because my eating habits contribute to the physical reduction in weight. This is exactly what I hoped for a few weeks ago when I noticed that I wasn’t regularly stopping below full and starting when hungry.
What’s unsettling is the idea that there’s no rational reason for the weight to come back. I’m eating anything I want, any quantity I want, with the goal of having a relatively steady weight loss. I rarely end the day thinking that I haven’t eaten enough (maybe one time).
Yet I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe it will be a big depression, or a reason to beat myself up, or who knows what. Or maybe a weight loss plateau. Or maybe life will continue as normally stressful as it is. It’s not the worst I’ve lived through, nor the best. The shoe did not drop when I had stressful experiences with my daughter, nor during one of my rare arguments with Dear Hubby.
The best thing to do is to stop expecting a reason to revert to old habits, and start expecting to strengthen new habits of stress tolerance without eating. The truth about this process is, I don’t need to binge from deprivation, because I never deprive myself. That’s the difference between my current path and a diet. Diets limit something. I’m not limiting even overeating - I can do it any time I want. Rather, I am choosing what I want at any given moment in time, and overeating doesn’t serve me in any useful way. What I’m actually abstaining from is beating myself up. I can’t binge except as punishment, and if I don’t punish myself, I don’t need to binge. Ooh, important revelation.
Since I don’t have any answers, my choice is to stick to my basic mantras:
- It’s ok to not eat what I don’t want to eat
- It’s ok to eat everything I want to eat
- I can skip a meal if I want to
- I keep going no matter what
- I prefer to choose living normally over COE
Disquieting feelings are stressful, but I can tolerate them.
