Wanting too much

Overwhelmed by work is my current state. I know I have to keep taking action., but I feel paralyzed. Why? Habit. There are several tasks I can do, and I have lots of freedom to choose what I do every day. There’s even one task that I prefer to do. But I’m still frozen.

My wants are my stumbling block. Even now, writing about my wants has stopped me. I avoid even this bit of throw-away therapy. I feel like I cannot have wants, and it’s a very strong feeling, often switching itself on subconsciously, so I hardly know that this paralyzes me. That’s one strong taboo.

Better start finding a way through this subconscious feeling. If I start practicing naming what I want, then observing if I get it or not, I can still develop closure.

I can’t start. If I have wants, then I have to commit. If I commit, then I am responsible for my decisions. I am not powerless, and sometimes my decisions are bad ones, like yesterday. DD ended up being late for school, and begged me to not tell DH. Generally that’s totally against my rules, but I decided to not “not tell him” but rather avoid discussing the subject of interest. That worked until today, when he found out. Now I have to deal with a small break in his trust. Crap crap crap.

It’s so much easier to just let things happen. If I let them just happen, I don’t have to own the consequences of my own decisions. Before I make progress with my wants, I always want overwhelming reassurance from the recipients. I want to be told it is right, or better yet, it is unbelievably wonderful. Geez. It’s approval I seek.  All the time. From everyone. No wonder I’m incapable of making a decision. It’s impossible to make one that will satisfy everyone all the time.

This is also attached to perfectionism I used to blame. It’s not perfectionism, it’s the desire to hear other people say I am perfect. Perfect gets approval. Approval = validation. Validation = I have value.

Crap crap crap. No human can live this way.

I know I have value without always getting validation from others. I validate myself. Now I have to put my money where my rational thought is, and prove to myself that I validate myself.

My intent for today is to frequently make statements starting with “I want…” and bring them to closure, then making clear approval statements of my decision.

Example: I want to write this rather than do my next task. So I will. Now that this is done, I know I made the right decision, because some of the tension in my stomach has gone away.