Watching a movie without shame

In the height of my eating disorder, decisions were a vicious circle. First I would encounter a problem which had no clear answers, worry about it until I absolutely had to make a decision, then decide relatively quickly. The decision was followed by more worry about whether it was the right decision or not, and mostly resulted in eating to numb my feelings of shame for (probably) not having made the “right” choice.

To make matters worse, these were not momentous decisions. Today I encountered a typical decision: after a morning of shopping for driveway paving stones and groceries, DH wanted to know if I also wanted to go to the mall as he went to pick out a new pair of sandals.

I hemmed and hawed around this decision for over an hour, never facing the truth of what I wanted. Because my goals this month include finishing my thoughts, I worked my way through this, struggling first to decide what I wanted, then to actually use the words to tell DH the answer.

No I did not want to go along. I wanted to stay home, watch a DVD, take a bath, and generally do piddly stuff around the house. It took an hour to say that. But said it I did. And no rebound eating. No numbing. No shame. I did, however, have to tell DH not to die in a horrible car accident while he was out, because I wouldn’t be able to handle the shame of not having gone with him.

It’s almost inconceivable to imagine feeling shame about what I wanted to do or not do. But there it is - my emotion, irrational or not. Now I’m off to write a hundred times: “I will honor my own wishes. What I want is as valid as anybody else’s wants.”