IOWL 024 The third step to belief change

One thing that surprises me is that I can finally see change has occurred. I really do think differently.  I had what must be a limiting belief in that I thought you had to set a detailed plan, then work the plan perfectly. Holding myself to that standard is painful and impossible to achieve.

The idea of overeating = deprivation is new and is growing on me. I haven’t yet made a direct link between saying, “If I eat this, I will feel bad and delay my goals” and actually not eating that thing. But I think it’s possible and will eventually happen.

Turning that into positives might work better, and I’m trying to remember to do that. That’s what we are doing when we ask the question, “How do I want to feel in x hours?” and make a decision on what and how much to eat.

 

• The nice thing about not succeeding is that you know many things to do differently.
• Review the questions frequently to reassure yourself that you are on the right path. Adjust your plan as needed. Set many sub-goals to help you along the path to permanent improvement.
• Affirm frequently the fact that you deserve the improvements you’re making.
• Overweight is deprivation. When you are overweight, you deprive yourself of
  • Feeling physically good
  • Healthy emotional thinking
  • Doing the things you can’t enjoy when you’re too overweight
  • Enjoying life
• Extra energy packs itself onto your body in the form of fat. Think about it squeezing in-between your organs, taxing each of them more whenever you eat too much.
• Visualize your body using the stored energy, constantly improving your physical state and ability to live happier. That’s a wonderful treat.
• Every movement you make, every food choice you make, speaks to your body. Speak to it with love and caring, giving yourself the comfort you need.
• It is easy and natural to lose weight, actually easier than gaining too much weight.
• If you run away into food, find new place to run to, and gradually learn to balance running away with facing issues.
• Making these changes require practice. Constantly try on the new beliefs until they settle in and you don’t think about them any more.
• You have graduated when gratitude for the struggle can be felt. When you are grateful for the path you’ve taken, you’ve graduated through that area.

Naturally slender is a behavior, not a number.

IOWL 023 Beliefs about hopelessness

The shortcut to belief change is to visualize yourself in the future state, then start behaving that way.

Today I can imagine that I can eat less and later and still be satisfied and happy. Lunch has been pushed out a little later, and I was hungrier a little earlier, so this is a good chance to experience a longer period of hunger before eating. Not all hunger has to be fed immediately - I will enjoy my food more if I’m a little hungrier. I will enjoy my financial state more if I’m hungry enough to finish my meal, rather than throw some away.  I’ll enjoy my snack more if I eat the right amount of lunch that enables me to be properly hungry at snack time.

 

• If you don’t enjoy where you are on your journey, you won’t have the stamina to continue.
• It’s important to accept where you currently are, even if you are actively changing it.
• Creating a process goal instead of a weight goal is better.
• It’s fun to analyze limiting beliefs when you know you are changing them.
• For those who have a large amount of weight to lose, enjoying the process is even more critical, because you are going to be constantly discovering new things.
• This process is a series of loops, in which each loop contains discovery, experimentation, new process and stabilization. That’s how you go from compulsive overeating to normal eating.
• This is a highly winnable contest. An eating disorder is not like alcoholism is perceived, it can be healed permanently. For most of us, an ED is a set of strongly-developed habits with an emotional base. Building a new emotional base and new habits is not impossible, but it is non-trivial and requires that you pay attention to many different things.
• Remember life is continuous change, incremental, evolutionary, and only rarely revolutionary. Change you create is more permanent when you do it incrementally.
• Healing is separate from building habits.
• The shortcut to belief change is imagining yourself in your future state. Build a strong emotional tie to the new state, and it will be easier to go there. It’s basically building a virtual role model.
• Describe this person’s behaviors in detail, including a sense of humor and resilience to meet with challenges. Then step into that role in your head, and live the future state again and again.

IOWL 022 Questioning your beliefs

The belief I’d currently like to eliminate is the “need” to eat foods that are relatively high in calories.

It’s a belief that says I have to eat certain foods or I can’t be satisfied.

Which foods do satisfy? Warm foods, fats and oils, protein. Which examples can I cite that show this is not true? Canned fruit satisfies me. Vegetable soup satisfies me. Cake satisfies me. Bread satisfies me. Having something to do that’s more fun than eating satisfies me.

This convinces me I am ignoring data that does not support the limiting belief. It’s convincing enough that I almost believe I can be satisfied even if I never eat those foods again. I certainly do believe that I can do it regularly and be satisfied. I will try this at lunch today. I want to pre-correct for a high calorie snack at the movies later today.

 

My notes:

• We train ourselves to ignore data that conflicts with our beliefs
• The belief that you cannot change is false and subjective.
• The best way to remove a limiting belief is to replace it with an empowering belief. Just as subjective, but more useful.
• One thing I know now is that the old beliefs I used to have, that fat is safe and food is the best comfort, are not true anymore. I have let those ideas go.
• Questioning a belief sows the seeds of doubt that it might be true. Then your mind opens to new possibilities.
• You can choose new beliefs that meet your needs.

Changing beliefs don’t happen instantaneously. You notice that your old belief might be false, and then you start practicing as if the new belief were true. All the time, you keep looking for data that shows that your new belief is right.

IOWL 021 Changing beliefs about helplessness

One limiting belief I had is the idea that I will lose weight fast. After losing 60 pounds already, it’s not going to come off very fast without radical effort.

A better belief is that I build new habits every day, continually working toward the long term goal.

Increasing the DIFF (Duration, Intensity, Frequency and Fun) of my good eating habits is the way to achieve a long term change.

Very likely the most common reason that I am not losing fast enough are the peak times when I eat more than my body needs. Therefore, increasing the DIFF of good habits is going to increase my loss.

I think I still have a limiting belief that I can’t eat less than I currently do.

Hmm. I think I can meet my emotional needs if I eat around 1500-1800 calories a day. That ought to also create weight loss, since I’m still (barely) over 300 lbs.

My notes:

• Building the habit, taking the action, then letting go of the outcome is the best way to build the permanent habits.
• Your body might hold onto weight because of your limiting beliefs. (I don’t really believe this.)
• A belief that you are helpless to change makes it hard to change.
• It takes time to stop thinking that it’s hard.
• To help remove my limiting belief that I can’t lose fast or consistently, I can focus on the good habits and the letting go of the outcome.
• Do I believe I can consciously and deliberately change? Not really.
  • Think about the elephant on the chain. All it takes is a good hard tug on the chain to change the belief.
  • When have I deliberately changed in the past?
    • School
    • Managing money
• Learned helpfulness is the antidote to learned heplessness
• The good habits are
  • Veggies and fruit
  • Self-correcting my portion and calories intuitively
  • Walking
• The letting go can be achieved by
  • Frequently practicing letting go on non-eating topics as well as eating
  • Increasing the time between weigh-ins

Fat-friendly movie: Get Smart

This was a pleasant surprise. DH and I went to this movie this evening, just to enjoy ourselves, and I discover that the plot included a very supportive perspective on large people.

 (SPOILER alert)

First Maxwell Smart had a weight issue himself that he conquered in a highly normal way, then he used his job as a platform to notice and connect with some people of size. Very positive, very empowering.

And the movie was laugh out loud fun too. The only thing keeping me from buying it when it arrives on DVD is a single barf scene which was too gross for my delicate sensibilities.

IOWL 020 Identifying your limiting beliefs

http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/216-inside-out-weight-loss/episodes/3555-identifying-limiting

Finding these limiting beliefs can be tricky. First, you run into some obvious ones, like diet rules (e.g. can’t eat carbs and lose weight). Then you figure out that there are several layers of limiting beliefs all interconnected with each other. For this, I found that being patient, and only working on one at a time, to be most helpful.

I’m not doing so much with the placebo effect idea right now. For me it seems almost as if I’m lying to myself, and I don’t want that.

After listening to this podcast many times, and doing lots of work, I believe now that it’s really possible to reach a naturally slender state.

My notes:

• Use the placebo effect to help you make progress
• Believing that you can heal this is necessary to healing this.
• First step is to know what you want, and describe it.
• What preventing you from going forward?
• Five questions:

1. Is the goal desirable for you and worthwhile?
2. Is it possible for others? Do you believe it?
3. Is it possible for you?
4. Is what it takes to achieve the goal, appropriate and reasonable?
5. Do you deserve to lose weight and be naturally slender?

• If you give any NO answers to these questions, you have limiting beliefs to destroy, because they are all true.

Toothy irony

The dysfunction in our family included a general lack of health and normal sanitary care. After a few years, we stopped going to the doctor because we couldn’t afford it. Dentists were out of the question.

Coupled with that was our family’s superior skill at avoiding reality. We could sit in a pile of bills and filth, yet never seem to be able to stand up and wash the dishes. With dentists being too expensive, you’d think we paid close attention to our teeth? Wrong. In spite of living within spitting distance of a Colgate factory, we did not brush our teeth regularly, and had no choice financially but to let cavities grow. Aspirin was cheaper than tooth repair. We took aspirin so much that sometimes our ears rang. Ironic, huh?

When I got out of self-financed university, I got a job with a dental plan and started repairing the damage. That included 4 crowns and innumerable fillings, plus orthodontia. One dentist even remarked that my teeth looked like Turkish children’s teeth (in a time when Turkish people were new poor immigrants to the area).

I’ve been good about my paid-for teeth since then, and I’m blessed with good mouth chemistry, which keeps the absolute number of cavities low. But during these years of fixing my teeth and having an ED at the same time, I developed a habit of going to the dentist or orthodontist, getting the painful work done, then eating brownies afterward. Lots of brownies.  Kroger was my spot - I could go to the bakery section, grab a pan of ready-made frosted brownies, and head home for some Tylenol and a binge.

Yesterday I had my first filling in over 10 years. It actually just replaced a broken old filling. And guess what happened? Brownie cravings like you couldn’t believe. Since I live in Germany, there are no Krogers. Odd, since that’s a German name. Anyway. The other stores don’t sell brownies either, so I was left with no choice but to make some.

My brownie recipe is easy to put together, so I bopped off home and mixed some up. Out of the oven, left to cool. And left. And left. I did not want to binge on one of my biggest formerly favorite foods.

Result? No binge required, simply a small piece that I neatly corrected for at dinner time. Dear Daughter came through later and took a bigger piece than I did. I think I’ll take the rest to work and let others clean up my extras. Pretty cool.

IOWL 019 How to change your limiting beliefs

http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/216-inside-out-weight-loss/episodes/3540-how-change-limiting

Limiting Beliefs are a major reason habits don’t change or relapses occur.

Last week, I had several days in which I ate more than I had been eating in earlier days. It’s not that it was so much food total, but it was eating when I wasn’t as hungry as I prefer to be. It took several days before I could decode some of the limiting beliefs that made this overeating possible.

One of my major limiting beliefs is “I’m not allowed to want.” As a child in a poor and dysfunctional family, I discovered that there was more family harmony if I didn’t express my wants. Anywhere from my brother beating me up if I tried to watch a TV program he didn’t like, to using family resources to buy new towels to take to college with me. I did everything possible to create family harmony by always going along with someone else’s wishes. It was only at my grandparents’ house that my needs were given a high priority.

Food, however, was my self-care, because it could be eaten, after which no one could take it away from me. Sneaking food away to eat in private became my way to deal with not getting my wants met. Additionally, it numbed me so I didn’t have to face the pain of not getting what I wanted.

I still eat when I don’t take care of my own wants. I have the dearest husband in the world, but if I don’t find time to be alone and give myself self-care, I eat to compensate. He’s not in the least clingy, it’s just me, with a fatal combination of this limiting belief and lots of time spent together.  

I wonder what I could do about this. What do I need to do to break this chain?

The beliefs associated with this issue (and arguments against) that I can currently identify are

• I have to accommodate others’ wishes before my own
  • If I don’t care for myself first, I can’t sustainably care for others
• Food is the best comfort and self-care technique
  • There many non-destructive ways to care well for myself (see IOWL episode 32)
• Avoidance of issues is the best way to avoid disappointment from not getting what I want
  • Avoidance brings greater disappointment, because afterwards I have both the not getting AND the wasted time spent avoiding the effort

My notes:

• A common limiting belief is that weight loss is hard.
• It doesn’t always have to be that way. Naturally slender people are NATURALLY slender, meaning they do it without agonizing over it.
• A belief is something that you consider to be true in spite of inconclusive evidence
• Success begets success.
• You don’t have to be ever vigilant. Instead, set your intent, practice your techniques, and let it go, checking in and correcting occasionally.
• It’s not that there’s no work involved. You do have to dedicate yourself to practice and learning. E.g. preparing healthy food.
• Inner alignment makes the effort easy. Conflict makes it hard.

Post-It note therapy

It’s a bit of a giant picture, I know, but I wanted to show you as much detail as I could. These are examples of my post-it note therapy, in which I change my mood or my thinking.

Items 1 and 2 on the right are a sample of my success journal. When I really need to reinforce good feelings, I grab a post-it and write down my success. Item 1 reads as follows (uses lots of jargon):

Tues: I achieved

• consolidation of tracking sheet
• select install reports
• set up ticklers for IA

Item 2 is:

I reached my goals for Tuesday. Plan for Weds

• BR at 9
• Review IA process
• Set up IA for OF
• Write IA questions
• training content
• write tracking data

Items 3 and 4 are self-therapy.

Item 3 reads

I want to eat. Just finished a telecon. Muffins are nearby. Am not hungry. I wanted to eat because the phone call ended and I felt insecure and not perfect. There was no rational reason to feel insecure. The meeting went fine. I did my job well.

Later, I wrote number 4. The first analysis didn’t stick.

I still want to eat. Because it’s there. It doesn’t even taste that good. It won’t satisfy me. What will? What’s missing? I don’t know. Missing is a sense of purpose. What shall I do next? Eat? Don’t want to. Work on what? Audit questions. I don’t want to eat anymore.

 

IOWL 018 The Success Journal

http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/216-inside-out-weight-loss/episodes/3522-success

Daily practices create change.

This is very true for me, and it’s only now that I’ve been able to believe that it’s possible. I’ve taken 7 Habits of Highly Successful People training, read countless books, tried all kinds of things. Nothing stuck forever, since most of them tried to whip up an emotional frenzy. Now I reject emotional frenzy in favor of long-term goals which are supported by short-term goals. I still have a lot to learn about creating effective short-term goals, but I’m getting there.

Last weekend, I solidified my physical goals. I want to do the following without completely depleting my energy reserves:

• Ride my bike for 2 hours
• Walk without suffering with DH for 2 hours
• Take both stairs at work at a normal pace and recover quickly from the exercise
• Swim 5 laps at a steady pace

The daily practices that support these goals include

• Swimming/aquajogging an hour a couple of times a week.
• Walking whenever I can do it successfully
• Taking the stairs slowly enough that I don’t get out of breath
• Exercising my knees so that specific muscles get stronger
• Celebrate every success (example: I take a victory lap as my last lap in the pool, telling myself what a good job I did)

What’s making the difference now, versus a few years ago? Believing that it’s possible, coupled with trusting that tiny, tiny changes are effective and lead to bigger changes. Creating that trust happened mostly in this way: I would tell myself explicitly that even the tiniest thing done is still done. When my critical voice objected to that idea, I would tell myself that I didn’t have anything to lose just to try it. Choosing to not give up that practice has moved me this far. I think it will continue to work.

• Set small daily goals that include both easy and hard achievements.
• Track your successes each day, preferably just before you sleep at night. The feelings will deepen as you sleep.
• No goal, not even the ones you want to keep your whole life, can be perfect. You will always perform better some days and worse some days.
• Start simple and small. Keep working on small subgoals to create larger successes.
• All we have is today. You can’t lose 100 pounds today, but you can eat well and exercise.
• Loving yourself is critical to happiness in life.
• How do you make the connection between your plan to lose weight and your daily goals? What’s not working? I planned to eat intuitively to a level that lets me lose weight, but I eat more. Why? I just grab food sometimes thinking about the pleasure of eating it. Why? Because I don’t think about my long-term goals. Why? Because it never occurs to me. Why? Because it’s not at the top of my mind. Why? Because if I stick to the plan, I won’t have enough fun. Why? Because I think eating delicious food is fun. Why? Because when I think about fun, I mostly think about food. Why? Because I don’t have enough practice of thinking of other fun things. Why? Because it takes a conscious action, and I haven’t done that. Why? Don’t know. I could start right now.
• There’s a time between waking and sleeping, when you are very open to changing your thinking. This is the perfect time for success lists and relaxed intent.
• You find what you seek.
• You put on filters to survive - everyone does it. E.g. you don’t think about your big toe all the time, you filter it out until it needs attention.
• Considering food as the primary fun thing means that’s all you’ll think of when you want fun.
• Use the rich open time before sleep to mark your success that have brought you closer to your goals. You will sleep better and wake up better.
• Remember the object is continuous improvement. The reinforcement of doing this daily is highly powerful.
• Think like a thin person, set your goals accordingly, and you will eventually get there.
• The daily practices create the change.