Change is easy

Day after day, I see me making more changes without stress. It’s easier to not eat (and at the same time not THINK about not eating). It’s easier to empty packages of food from my pantry and not feel that I have to restock, which means I’m really getting control over my earlier feelings of deprivation.

What are my keys to easy change?

1. Breathe. Whenever I take a deep breath, really filling my lungs, and breathe out slowly, I feel more in control of myself.
2. Enjoying the moment without criticizing myself for not being more “perfect.”
3. Remembering that tomorrow’s issues are in the future. As long as I’ve reasonably provided for my future, that’s all I need to do. Unnecessary worrying is pain.
4. Looking at the pain immediate gratification gives. One bite more than full enough is discomfort. An extra half hour surfing the web is time away from my other activities.
5. Know my goals. A clean, well-organized house, and a vegetable-rich, tasty food life, and lots of self-love.

I like this change.

Stop getting what I always got

“If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.”

It’s clear to me that I’m ready to make a new kind of change, and this change consists of many bab steps. Multiple times a day, I  don’t make a tiny decision until I’ve asked, “Can I do this better for the way I want to live?”

Some examples:

• making lunch today, I chose to cut back on the protein in order to asve some calories. Ditto for cooking dinner and reducing the fat
• listening to podcasts, I deleted several, reminding myself that I’d rather be working with my daughter on her project or assembling my sewing room

My wish food-wise is to build a habit of eating just enough so I am nicely hungry at the next meal time. Taking the Inside-Out Weight Loss suggestion into account, I take a deep breath and “set my intent” to burn energy from my body’s stored resources (fat) first, then take in more.

Deep brething is fantastic. It calms me, gives me time to listen to my emotions, and gives me the chance to choose the best for myself.

Because I’m worth the best.

Repetition builds new beliefs

I keep seeing a gap between my rational thoughts about normal eating and the ability to actually do it consistently. After reviewing my history, I see that I believe academically that normal eating is best, and will help me get to a normal size, but I still experience those moments (many of them) in which I eat unconsciously.

This must be easier than I am making it. There are plenty of times in which I don’t eat, don’t want to overeat, and don’t. But there are also plenty of times I eat too much, or eat when I’m not hungry. I believe that normal eating is right for me, and that I can do it. I also believe that eating for comfort hurts more than it helps, leaving me feeling bad and physically uncomfortable.

What’s missing? Those beliefs now exist for me, but they do not permeate my every moment.  I do not have them ingrained as habits.

What kinds of beliefs are ingrained as habits? I believe if I save money, I’ll have a better retirement. I believe insurance is important. I believe the oncoming car on the highway is not going to suddenly cross the painted white line and crash into me. I believe brushing my teeth every day will keep them healthy. These things I believe, and are so ingrained that I choose good behaviors based on these beliefs. I don’t panic every time a car somes toward me in the other lane, and I don’t skip brushing my teeth too often.

These beliefs exist and permeate my thoughts because I practiced them until they stuck.

This is good. I know I have the positive beliefs around normal eating, and I know that practicing them will make them stick.

So just for today, I will remind myself of the following statements:

• Eating the right amounts makes me feel great
• I get the most comfort from peaceful time alone rather than eating
• I control my own attitude and choose the way I respond to life’s ups and downs

This practice is the sum of the ideas of affirmations, beliefs and cognitive therapy. Practice makes perfect, or at the very least, makes “good enough.”

Crocodiles: my first thin dream

One, two, three, four, five crocodiles, each in their own stalls. Two on either side of me, and one just ahead.

The crocodile wrangler assured me that there were no worries. The crocs wouldn’t do anything unless their mood changed. After several tense moments, my discomfort turned to curiosity.

Somehow, something changed. The wrangler decided I better leave the pen, but it was too late to do it smoothly. The oldest croc was starting to give me the kind of attention I gave to chocolate when it’s been a long day, and no chocolate was available. I felt myself in danger.

The wrangler acted quickly. He grabbed the protective cage, which he had assured me would be perfectly safe. Safe? It was a large plastic dishpan and had a home-made chicken wire cage to place on top of it.

Having no other choice, I stepped into the dishpan, squatted, and pulled the cage over me. I fit perfectly, except the cage was made for a shorter person than my 5 foot, 5 inch frame. Perfect fit? That means that my body shape is normally slender, slender enough to fit into a large dishpan.

The wrangler pulls my dishpan out of the pen to safety. And thus ends my first thin dream.

Cake to the left of me, cake to the right

Sorry to be away so long, but I was traveling, and my expected internet connection fell through. It was a lovely trip, though, and I learned that life is indeed possible without overindulging in podcasts every day. Yes, a podcast binge. Sigh. At least they’re low calorie.

My trip went well food-wise. It was a trip to the USA, so I made sure to enjoy all of my favorite foods like cottage cheese and country sausage. Even ate at Bob Evans once. Haven’t had that in a while, and I found out that my own home-made sausage recipe was only missing one thing from Bob Evans’ recipe: pepper. When I tasted that delicious BE sausage, I immediately noticed the black pepper flavor. That’s great news, because that means I can better approximate the taste of the sausage myself.

Today I’m back at work, and surrounded by cake on three sides. I kid you not, it’s within arm’s reach to my left (I don’t even have to stand up), it’s 3 feet away on my right, and I have an invitation for cake in an hour right in front of me in email. The cake to the left smells good, but I can’t imagine eating it. It’s like those babies who are SOOO cute when you’re looking at them, but you don’t really want to take them home with you, because you know what the diapers will smell like.

Not that the cake is poopy, mind you, but rather it’s just not going to feel good in my stomach. The cake on my right is just plain icky, clearly the cake of a non-baker, flat and dry looking. No interest in it at all.

The cake that will come in an hour might be better, and if I want some then, I’ll eat some. It’s an apple cake to celebrate the 50th birthday of a friend.

Don’t bother

There’s that piece of leftover brioche. Why don’t I make it into a cheesecake with oranges and cranberries? Sounds good. Tastes bad. Here’s the picture, but I won’t bother giving you the recipe. Hubby and I shared one small piece and I composted the rest today.

When I went shopping for chocolate at the nearby Ritter Sport chocolate factory today, I first discovered an historic museum in the nearby castle. It was so wonderful, I didn’t make it to the factory outlet until a crowd was already there. I thought, let’s go eat a light lunch, then have a decadent dessert. But when I walked around the cafe, I wasn’t really interested in either lunch or dessert. So I didn’t bother.

I didn’t bother to put the chocolate away when I got it home. I didn’t bother to finish the bar that was tempting hours earlier.

I DID bother to have a great day, relax, and enjoy my family.

It’s worth bothering to not bother with things that burden you.

Skinny people everywhere and Biscotti Tiramisu

I’ve realized that in order to become a person who mostly eats only when she is hungry, I have to identify and change the thought patterns that induce mindless eating.

Today was a nice example of mindless eating. I ate a big dinner last night, but this morning ate preventively, since the house cleaner was coming at 9 and I didn’t feel comfortable eating in front of her while she worked. When she left four hours later, I ate again without being particularly hungry, just because it was lunchtime.

It was even a large lunch, after a large breakfast, after a large dinner the previous evening. As I looked at my plate, I ntoiced that my half-eaten sandwich had mold on the bread. Unbelieveably, it was hard to not continue eating it. FInally I got the gumption to toss it out.

Tonight, I made a single-egg tiramisu, because DH had accidentally bought some mascarpone. We are leaving it until tomorrow, because tiramisu is supposed to let the flavors meld. So I ate a peanut butter sandwich for dinner. Again, not particularly hungry. What really bugs me about this is that I must be close to a breakthrough, but I can’t figure out what I don’t know, so I can fix it.

As I relax this evening, I’m watching the German State Symphony Orchestra. Everyone in this frigging orchestra is skinnier than heck. I bet THEY don’t spend Saturday evening eating peanut butter sandwiches, waiting for tiramisu to meld. Here they are, in all their skinny glory.

Just for contrast, here’s the Boston Symphony. They have a good 20 pounds on the Germans. Sadly, I wouldn’t mind being a member of either group, weight-wise.

Anyway, here’s the tiramisu recipe. I’m still on my kick of cooking without using measuring cups, so feel free to experiment.

 

1 egg Tiramisu with biscotti

Put one egg yolk into a pan. Add a couple of teaspoons of sugar (I use sugar stored with vanilla bean).

Heat slowly over low heat, stirring almost constantly. When it starts bubbling, cook and stir constantly for about 3 minutes, until, the custard coats the back of a spoon. Remove from heat and put the pan in a cool water bath.

When the custard is cool, stir a couple of tablespoonfuls of mascarpone into the custard. Stir til smooth.

Take the egg white and beat it with a couple of spoons of sugar until the whites are stiff. Fold into the cooled custard.

Put a couple of tablespoons of brandy or rum into a bowl. Add about a half cup of strong coffee and a couple of spoons of sugar. Stir well.

Take two small bowls or pudding dishes.

Soak a couple of biscotti in the coffee mixture just long enough so you know it’s absorbing the liquid. Move the biscotti to the dishes.

Spoon some of the custard over the biscotti. Shake some cocoa over the custard. Repeat with another layer of biscotti and custard and cocoa.

Refrigerate for at least 6 hours. My husband says he wants me to wake him at 2 a.m. Sunday morning, so he can have some.

I made the cookies and learned something, too

I used the recipe in the first post, but made the following changes:

• didn’t use a mixer, so I could get the physical experience of beating the dough
• eyeballed all measures by not using a measuring cup
• added half a cup of quick oats
• added almost an extra cup of flour
• added a good tablespoonful of honey
• stirred in a cup of chocolate chips just for fun

I baked 8 cookies, ate one, then craved a salad. Weird.

What to do if you don’t want to eat, but eat anyway?

More and more often I feel not hungry, but eat anyway. Yet I eat meals on a schedule, even though I could wait without consequences. I also eat between meals without a significant hunger. What the heck is that about?

Some possible reasons include:

• the habit of eating at regular times makes me feel comforted and secure
• chewing is a pleasurable activity (this is also a good reason that it’s hard to stop eating once you’ve started)
• what would I do if I didn’t eat?
• cravings. peanut butter cookies sound really good right now, and I would certainly put in some effort, in spite of the other fun things to do in my life.
• Eating to prevent future hunger
• Cooking one a way to relieve stress in other areas of my life.

Some things that are NOT reasons:

• boredom – there are more things to do in my life than I have time for
• social – we’ve pretty much separated our mealtimes as a family, and we only do communal cooking on weekends

I can’t even figure out if I’m getting any particular comfort from the activity. I do know that it sometimes makes me feel bad to eat, and I’m starting to sense when I punish myself with food.

Oh well, this is one of those classic times in which I’ve given myself a mental block to prevent myself from learning the real reason. Now to just let that all sink in, and see what the real reason is.

Off to make those cookies. I think I’ll use the recipe below. Only add a little honey and maybe some chopped nuts.

Hmmm. Maybe I eat/cook because it’s a creative activity and that’s a good change from my engineer’s life.

Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 cups flour, sift or stir before measuring
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 cup shortening
• 1/2 cup peanut butter
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup light brown sugar, packed
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
• 1 egg

Preparation:

Sift together flour, salt, and baking powder; set aside. Cream shortening, peanut butter, and sugars; beat in vanilla and egg. Stir in flour mixture, blending well. Shape mixture into 3/4-inch balls; place on greased baking sheets. Flatten each cookie with the tines of a fork; dip fork in flour periodically to keep it from sticking to the peanut butter cookie dough.
Bake peanut butter cookies at 375° for about 10 to 12 minutes.

How to reduce stress emotional eating

Good tips from the Life Learning Today blog. Go read the whole post on this woman’s blog, but here is the cheat sheet:

1. Become aware of your emotional state.
2. Identify your trigger emotions and events
3. Journal (especially in a blog!!!)
4. Come up with your own relaxing alternatives to eating
5. Forgive yourself. Often. For everything.