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Archive for July, 2006

The business trip was 9 days, and it seems that I may have gained a kilo during that time. Let’s check the numbers, then let them go.

855 calories more a day than my body needed is the number that supports a kilo weight gain. Is this possible? My eating habits were all the cottage cheese I wanted, plus normal portions of anything else I wanted. I ate past full several times, and almost never stopped at lightly full.

A typical breakfast was 250 calories of cottage cheese, a jimmy dean biscuit at 300, and milk. Lunch was warm, dinner was warm. I often ate a meal salad. All large portions. During the course of a week, I ate a bag of Ruffles cheese and sour cream chips, with dip. Total about 1000 plus 2000, could equal half the weight gain all by themselves. Add to that a Cheesecake Factory porn meal (actually 2 meals) of Chinese chicken salad and brownie cheesecake, and I’m pretty well at the kilo.

OK, so yes, it was possible. I congratulate myself on this week, because it wasn’t a week full of punishment for my eating, it was enjoyable, and I am aware of what I ate. I am on track, continuing building good eating habits.  Woohoo!

Yesterday, I ate a light dinner, which nicely complemented my mood and physical state. I don’t feel any cravings to continue like that, and I don’t miss any specific foods. I didn’t eat Cheetos and never missed them. I did wonder why I didn’t want any, but it was a simple case of satisfaction with everything else I ate.

Good job.

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Halfway through my trip, I have eaten everything I wanted to eat mostly. It has certainly been a lot of food, and I’m sure there’s no discussion of weight gain, but the great news is that I am paying attention to hunger and fullness, and I’m able to eat smaller portions. Instead of eating the hotel breakfast every day, I focused on cottage cheese in my room. That lasted for a dinner and a breakfast. The next breakfast I ate in my room as well. Lunches have been mostly salads, and I’m eating a lot of chicken. But I’m not fooling myself – this is weight gain, not loss, due to overall volume.

As I wandered the aisles of the Safeway, I noticed that there are many more small portions  in the stores. Particularly the soft drinks are coming out in 8-10 ounce sizes. It’s about time. LOL. They’re even making small-portion-sized Hummers.

Boy, I’m glad to be journaling again. Even skipping those couple of days made me feel a bit uneasy about my eating. But I can remind myself now that I am still on track, nothing has to be perfect, and I never give up.  It has also significantly helped to remind myself of the things I can cook for myself and don’t have to eat here. Today banana bread surprised me. Delicious, and I ate a whole slice.

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One thing I like about non-dieting and size acceptance is I can choose to use size words without feeling the need to avoid them. Remember when you wouldn’t refer to someone’s gender or their race? It’s the same thing, only fat people have become too accustomed to avoiding fat words: enornous, gigantic, humongous, and so on. Well, I take back all of those wirds for my own personal use. I can describe anything I want with them, even my size. Or not, as I choose.

Everything’s simmering at a low level today. No particular issues, I’m just working on self-talk and eating right. Right is a balanced meal with small portions, eating til satisfied, etc. I have the munchies a little, so I figure anxiety about the upcoming trip is in my subconscious. When I have time tonight, I’ll explore those feelings, and choose a rational response.

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Today’s lunch was delicious. Vegetable fritter with boiled potatoes and creamed leek. I looked at the pile of food and was confident that I could never eat it all. But I ate far more than I thought I would, and began to criticize myself for it. This was on top of a whole bagel this morning, even though I began to cut back on milk (finally!).

My first reaction was that I “shouldn’t” have eaten so much, without regard to fullness, satisfaction or satiety.  I shook off the criticism and and decided to rationally think through the issue.

I don’t know how many calories were in it, but I have not eaten excessively. However, when I consider that I ate pasta last night, bagel this morning, and now this, I feel that it is too much to continue to lose weight. My reaction to this thought is to eat more, namely the snack cookie I have in my cabinet. I probably will, since I can’t get it out of my head. On the other hand, I have never tried distracting myself from the obsession. There’s certainly plenty to occupy my work time, and since no one will be home early, I can work late to see if it cools off here any. 26 degrees C right now. Ick. It will be hot in California next week too, about the same. I need good outfits for 2 days. We’ll see if I can pull it together.

It certainly would benefit me if I could take more self-responsibility when DH is around. I do alright when he’s gone, but I let him do far too much when he’s at home. Tonight would be a good evening to spend in the basement, ironing and planning wardrobe.  Also figuring out what I might eat tonight wouldn’t be so bad. Fruit would be especially good, maybe the rest of my V8. And a sandwich. Sounds delicious.

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The last couple of hours have been normal life, and I’ve experienced several setbacks in my project. People have consistently not been available to work on the process improvement, which I have been interpreting as their unwillingness to do so. I’m specifically not saying they don’t want to, but I am saying they don’t prioritize it high enough to actually invest in it.

My emotions are high, but I am fighting any irrational ideas of personal rejection in favor of the rational acknowledgement that they are indeed busy and indeed don’t have this as a priority. One has a hotter issue, the other has a temporarily hotter issue. By reminding myself repeatedly that it is not me, it’s the priority choices they make, I keep my emotions relatively in control.

The rational actions to take include waiting patiently one more round, or stopping the project unilaterally, or looking for a middle ground, or talking to Erich and making a proposal for HJ. I will respond to ML’s kind reply and let him know I will talk to Erich. In the meantime, there are other choices I can make, and will spend the afternoon listing those.

The physical response I’m experiencing is a heightened blood flow. It feels like my face is getting warmer, and my temperature is rising. It’s harder to hear, and I have a slight desire to leave.  My emotional inclination is to say I’m wasting my time, I’m not bringing any value, and I’m not willing to try any more.  The reality is that I’m not getting any data to do the quantitative side of it, and if the teams are not established, there’s no one to teach the process to.  However, I could go ahead and modify the life cycle, and see what happens when someone runs up against a checkpoint gap. Definitely the list of things to do is the right thing to do this afternoon.

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There are only 2 things I can control, and one of them I can only partially control.

  1. The choices I make (partial control)
  2. My response to the choices, both how I choose to feel and how I choose to act

For example, I have a meeting today that my colleague has not yet responded to. I can choose to be anxious or upset or calm, or whatever I want. He will do whatever he does. Sometimes the choices I make can change his response, but he still chooses how to respond to my choices. Yesterday I was very paranoid and anxious about things like this, anxious to an extreme. This kind of anxiety causes me a lot of grief. I suspect that my biggest problem is choosing an anxious response to any situation over a rational response.

The rational emotional response to anything is to choose to not get upset, because I cannot control life. The rational action is one that will move me closer to my long-term goals, not the emotion of the moment.

My training activity is to record my emotional choices and my action choices.  In my palmtop, I have a document in which I record

Date – activating item – my chosen emotional response – my chosen action

We’ll see how well it leads to improved behavior.

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Nothing causes anxiety like believing I’m being rejected. A feeling of belonging is one of the most important desires I have. The littlest ideas of rejection set off paranoia in me.  TIme for ABCDEF.

Activating Event: missed meeting because I was not sent the meeting room.

Irrational Belief: that they do it on purpose. They includes anyone who does these things in any form. It can be the simplest error, or the most innocuous event, like missing your turn in line at the store.

Consequences: I sit around convincing myself that they did it on purpose and that no one likes me. No one can tolerate me. They look for excuses not to include me.  I spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about what they think and how much they hate me. I feel upset, lonely and unloved. I blame it on being fat and feel even fatter when it happens. I also want to eat and stuff down the feelings.  God, I wish I knew how to defeat this forever. It’s killing me. I don’t mind having this feeling sometimes, because I think everyone does, but this is debilitating. I won’t do something if I don’t think I’ll be ok with it.

Dispute: 90% of the time, no one intends it. Mistakes they make are not even interpreted by them as anything someone would get upset about. Sometimes it is mild rejection, like the person who wouldn’t pair up with me for Red Cross training. No one wanted to touch me. But most of the time it’s not rejection at all. Today he simply forgot to send the location, and if he sent it later, he doesn’t have me on his mailing list. His mistake that he apparently has made before. It’s also not rejection if he never updates his list.

Even if it is rejection, who cares? People get rejected all the time and they survive.  People are self-centered – they aren’t going to spend their whole life making sure you are comfortable. People are also very insecure. You are not the only one who goes through life feeling rejected by nonsense. But you are NOT managing your reaction to it very well. That can be better.

Effective Action: Rationalize the feelings when they occur. Research how to deal with this. Rationalize the most likely real intentions of the people. Count to 10.  Toughen yourself up. Find a way to care for yourself to reassure yourself when the experience occurs. You love yourself, and don’t reject yourself. Give yourself the time to get over something.  You beat Failure Mom, you can beat this. Label the rejection feeling and yell at it.  Choose to ignore the feelings.

Feelings: somewhat better. My stomach is not so tight as before. I like the label and yelling. That was good for Failure Mom.

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