Archive for September, 2006

I didn’t rebound with a gain from this new low number, but I now understand that my “natural” eating volume is also cyclic. Giving myself permission to eat less works sometimes, but I have to also keep refocusing my long-term eating habits to match with consistent weight loss.

Coaching myself that it’s ok to skip a meal or stop in the middle of eating when I am full is great. Building an ongoing habit of eating less, and adding more when needed, is a stronger habit for my weight loss goal.

This is the difference between eating a little less occasionally, and adapting my habits to a new lifestyle. Persistence and continued process improvement are my path.


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The scale showed a new number today – lower than ever. Finally crossed a first milestone.  Didn’t even know I had a milestone, but apparently I had a secret one. Maybe I’ll set 5 more kilo as an actual goal, rather than a milestone. Maybe not. Might cause a binge.

Investigated what I can do to reduce my pear-shaped body proportions. I’m 3 sizes larger on the bottom, and it’s hard to find clothes.  But the research turned up nada. Nothing but general energy expenditure. I think I’ll at least do some stomach exercises, so I firm that up a little.  I also made my semi-annual measurements – they showed a distinct loss as well. Hard to imagine that I’m really losing weight eating dessert 3x a day.

The milestone is great, but I’m a bit whelmed. I’m happy it’s coming off, but I can’t stop thinking about it, so I try to focus on my basic mantras:

  • It’s ok to not eat what I don’t want to eat
  • It’s ok to eat everything I want to eat
  • I can skip a meal if I want to
  • I keep going no matter what
  • I prefer to choose living normally over COE

I have a lot to be proud of, in defeating this bugaboo. From learning to deal with emotions without food, to choosing to move forward in life without expecting perfection. Big progress.

So I can enjoy my weight loss, without expecting to be punished for it. Nor do I have to punish myself. It simply is what it is. Each moment without indulging in the eating disorder is one more moment I live free. What do I want to do when I’ve talked myself out here? Don’t know, but it ought to have some productivity to it. Presentation coming up, but I don’t have the energy to go through it again. That’s not quite true – I just know that I don’t need 1.5 hours to review it. Probably 10 minutes will do fine.

Back to real life – the internet country radio station I’ve been listening to just played “Have youself a merry little christmas.” How weird is that for September? Now it’s playing some TV theme (from the Alice sitcom).  I’m hopelessly confused.

Ok, that wasn’t real life. Now back to “real” real life. Late evening at work and plenty to do. Better go do some, so I can spend my dreams on the next George Clooney blockbuster script I’m writing in my head.

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  • Seriously funny
  • Only choice
  • Found missing
  • Almost exactly
  • Original copy
  • Jumbo shrimp
  • Pretty ugly
  • Same difference
  • Definite maybe
  • Act naturally
  • Deafening silence
  • Minor crisis
  • Larger half
  • Liquid gas
  • Working holiday
  • Open secret
  • Exact estimate
  • Hell’s Angels
  • Clearly confused
  • Genuine imitation

Poets think it’s sublime when the words they write rhyme,

But to Teachers and Students, they’re trouble.

Is it right to write white or is it rite to right wight,

And when do those consonants double?


Is it  ‘i’  before ‘e’ except after ‘c’,

Or is it ‘e’ before ‘i’  as in weird and seize,

But then what do you say 

When they sound like ‘A’

As in neighbor and weight and sleigh?

We’re told ‘oo’ sounds like ‘u’ as in shoot and cartoon,

But then blood, door and floor sing a different tune.

It’s driving me mad, all those sayings and rules

To help us make sense (cents?) of it all.


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Understanding Americanese is not as easy as one might think. Try this on for size:

If you are selling a product, what does an Ami really mean when he says the following:

  1. I am interested in your product.
  2. You have a very interesting product.

Number 1 is generally what it says – the Ami wants to know more about your product.

Number 2, however, might mean he likes it, but it’s more likely to mean that he’s trying to be polite, and is actually NOT interested in your peoduct. Pay attention to the inflection in his voice. If there’s a pause before the word “interesting,” he may think your product is rather odd. If the strength is on the word “very,” he might well be really interested. If he keeps asking more specific questions, it’s a good thing.

If he uses the word “um,” anywhere (like “You have a very, um, interesting product.”) forget it. He’s not interested, and is trying to find a way out.

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This change from food/ED being the center of my life is challenging and interesting. It means walking away from many activities that are both comforting and destructive at the same time.

Stopping weighing myself obsessively and, at the same time, going on a diet requires a change in mindset. I can’t spend my time thinking about what I ate or how “good” I was, but rather I rely on my learned habits and take the results as they come. Today, for example, the scale showed a kilo up even though I’d eaten just soup and salad yesterday. Reframing meant that I now choose to stop thinking about changing my diet, and increase my reliance on hunger/fullness signals. Doing that means I face the uncertainty of the question, “Am I hungry enough to eat?” When I answer, “No,” I get to choose something else to replace the habit of eating.

So far, the most successful replacement activity is choosing something that delights me. It still feels a bit odd to decide to enjoy an activity other than food, and to strive to do that all day long. Right now, for example, I could eat. But I want to choose something more satisfying. Eating is not satisfying, because it’s not a holistic satisfaction. It satisfies emotions, but not body nor head.

One activity that’s working well is my playlists of music. I’ve created several of them and focused each one around an emotional change I want to make.  The current playlist running is called “No Regrets.” It’s filled with songs that help me move away from beating myself up and thinking about past decisions. This list has the following songs:

  1. Just One of Those Things
  2. It’s Going to Take Some Time
  3. Wild World
  4. Wasted on the Way
  5. My Give a Damn’s Busted
  6. Rose Garden
  7. It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere
  8. Ain’t My Day to Care
  9. Landslide
  10. The Dance
  11. I Hope You Dance
  12. If You’re Going Through Hell

I’m looking forward to adding more songs to this and the other lists.

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On with normal life

So I had another successful vacation, without any weight gain. Today I focused on living normally, and not spending time obsessing about ND or weight loss. The fun and entertaining things to do keep me very busy. I did eat relatively heavily today, but I understand it has more to do with what was available than an emotional thing.

So I will continue and see what happens. My weigh-ins are getting fewer, first stopping the recording of the evening weigh-in, and today I did not even weigh in the morning.

Real life that I experienced tonight include cooking dinner, cleaning, taking a break while cooking, doing some prep chores for the upcoming party of my in-laws. Good full evening, lots accomplished, lots to be proud of. Now off to an early bedtime and a few more chapters of my book, Die Wanderhure.

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This weekend has moved in slow motion, at least with respect to my actual accomplishments. After struggling with should for a while, I chose to lean into the curve and gave myself movies until I broke the emotional block.

The block ultimately broke during The Banger Sisters, a movie about breaking through walls we create to keep ourselves from being truly ourselves. It enabled me to get up and actually do some things, rather than endlessly surf.

As one action, I finished reading a rather long article about the 4 stages to normal eating, from an intuitive eating website.  Here’s a summary.

Goal: to please myself and feel good about my eating.

Basic concept is that COEs have to learn to meld the body’s, the mind’s and the emotions’ needs for food. It acknowledges that eating must have all three in order to be truly satisfying.

The steps to get there are:

  1. Legalize all foods
  2. Reconnect with hunger and fullness
  3. Learn to handle stress with things other than food
  4. Choose the right foods for you

Number one clears the mind’s blocks to foods, since the mind rationally detects that no food is inherently good or bad. It also clears out any compulsive eating that was due to deprivation.

Number 2 connects the body’s needs back to eating habits, Number 3 starts to heal emotions. Number 4 brings them all together in learning to choose foods that meet my emotional needs, my physical needs, and my mind’s needs.

The most interesting statement is one does not beat COE without taking action. It’s not enough to think about things and wait for habits to change. They only change when you choose to change something. And I know from experience that this is incremental change, not catastrophic (changes all at once). That’s what made today a very good day – I practiced breaking out of a doldrum without binging my way through it.

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