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Archive for January, 2008

One of my persistent challenges is getting up off the sofa and doing things. Yesterday I successfully broke through my mental block by changing how I think about it.

Frequently I wonder why I come home in the evening, and spend most of the evening on the sofa, playing computer or watching TV. Typical “shut-out-the-world” kind of activity. I told myself I didn’t want to do this, but it was an abstract wish.

Once I started asking myself why do I enjoy the sofa time? Hmmm. I was so busy judging my actions that I hadn’t considered what I get out of it. I get a lot out of the sofa time. It’s restful, I don’t have issues, I don’t have to improve anything in my life, it’s quite freeing.

Those things feel great, but the burden I put on my life is pretty big. It’s hard to get chores done, and DH sometimes takes an inordinate share of the burden. When I realized that I love and respect both myself and DH more than I like the sofa, I was able to get up and live a normal evening.

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Sometimes when you least expect it, success comes up and whacks you in the face.

We finally got around to buying another scale today, after the old one went dead some months ago.

I can proudly proclaim that I intuitively ate during that whole period, made it through Christmas, and nearly stopped exercising altogether.

And lost over 1 kilo.

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Celebration Time

 Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living! – Amanda Bradley

The next couple of weeks have become a celebration time for me. We had a highly successful customer visit, and my last two months of hard work really paid off. My best work colleague made a career decision finally, that, even though it’s sad for me, it’s great for her. And both DH and I have birthdays. Yay!

This is a great time for intuitive eating, because there’s always something delicious lying around. A group of friends got together for raclette. We had snacks galore and dinner out during the customer visit. Today we went to check out a bakery for my birthday cake and we sampled as well as ordered. Last night we took my friend out to dinner, complete with prosecco and freshly made pasta. All of my other meal decisions are so easy at the moment – just fill in whatever I haven’t been having lately, so I get quite a few delicious salads and vegetable soups.

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It’s certainly Monday. I went all the way to work with my shirt on inside out. Then I feel asleep in the car on the way to work (DH was driving). We haven’t had an argument with the kid in several days – it’s been nice. Today she even asked us to turn up the volume on the radio, which means she wasn’t hiding behind her iPod.

Last night I got a slight sinus inflammation, due to my own dumb behaviors. I noticed that if I hold my nose and try to blow through it, the air comes out my left eye tear duct. Stupid body trick, but fun. I was playing with this a lot lately, until last night, that side of my sinuses got a little swollen and started hurting. Now I’m taking Coricidin and hoping the pain will ease. Hot tea or water, especially breathing in the steam, also helps. Tylenol did not help, so there’s something about the decongestant in the Coricidin that is better for this problem.

Big intuitive eating day yesterday. Had a normal breakfast, then drove to France, where we weren’t hungry for lunch until after 3.  At dessert, I skipped the dessert and just had a cafe double’. Yum. French espresso is good. Dinner ended up being the cheese course we normally would have eaten in France, but didn’t get around to it.

Busy week at work coming up. Have a big customer visit, and then we’ll go out to dinner, unfortunately again to the same gourmet restaurant I’ve been to 4 times in 6 months. Getting a little old, I must say.

My goal for the week is to keep the basics on an even keel, and put my energy into things like the customer visit. Plenty of rest and peace is my plan for my free evenings.

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runaway_bride.jpg

Not eating is good self-care too. 

Loving myself and taking care of myself is hard work. Instead of waiting for DH to suggest something to do, I am responsible for making my own dreams come true. But I’m finding it quite difficult to know what I want.

Last week a radio station was advertising that they will fulfill a wish for some selected people. One of the last winners got an in-vitro fertilization treatment.

As people called in to make their proposals, I searched for a wild wish of my own.  Nothing came up. Funny to think that I can’t articulate any fanciful dreams.

Afterward, I started paying attention to my language. I realized that I don’t use words like “I want” or label things for what they are, like “he’s a jerk for doing that” or “I didn’t enjoy that at all.” Like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, I don’t even have an opinion on many of the simplest things. Sometimes I eat too much because I can’t decide what to eat, so I choose a lot of different things, and eat them all, eating way past full.

Tonight I managed to choose to eat just soup, and let the rest of the evening take care of itself. Then I found myself still thinking about a particular muffin I bought today, that I haven’t eaten in over a year. When I realized that the obsessive thinking wasn’t stopping, I ate the muffin. Tasted great!

Even with DH, I’m using my words of “I want” more often. It’s very different from “Would you do x for me?” because that’s very disempowering. I want simply makes a statement. I can do it myself, because no one takes better care of me than I do, or he can do it if he feels like it.

And I choose to not eat sometimes, because feeling good about my body also means feeling good about what I put into it. Putting too much food into my body, makes it easy to not feel good about myself. I want to feel good about myself as often as I can.

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I love me. No one can take better care of me than I can.

I can go without eating that food because I don’t need it either physically nor for the emotional comfort.

I don’t feel the need to eat for emotional reasons. I eat less and less often to calm my emotions.

I calm my emotions through breathing, thinking, and focusing on the right things to keep me on track for a happy life.

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Elevator crash

My emotional well-being crashed today, all because of an elevator. I got so upset that I left work before I really started crying uncontrollably. After getting home, DD was there, and kindly took the time to listen to me and offer advice.

The story:

The building at work has 3 floors. Two we occupy, and the ground floor is occupied by another company. A few months ago, I moved from the middle floor to the top floor. There are now two very large flights of stairs I have to take, primarily because the elevator (never more than a freight elevator anyway) only works by key.

The reaon it now requires a key to operate is because that’s the only way to guarantee security for the ground floor. So basically there’s no way to go by elevator from the ground floor to the top floor without calling the building owner.

Before I moved upstairs, I decided I would just build enough strength in my legs to take both flights. I have made marvelous progress, but it’s still hard. Unless I’m feeling really energetic, my legs are pretty weak by the time I reach the last 4 steps. My normal procedure is to take an elevator in a connected building from the ground floor to the first floor, then walk up the rest. There’s no way to take that other elevator up both floors.

It’s not easy, but I am very proud of how far I’ve come. I can take both flights when I have to, and don’t have to rest very long afterwards.

How did all of this lead to me leaving work in tears today? Well, a friendly, but buttinsky secretary sent me an email, in which she told me she contacted the building owner to ask if a key could be obtained for me. Once she got a yes, she emailed me to ask if I wanted it. The useless thing about it is, I could only use it to go up one flight of stairs, from the first floor to the second. The ground floor is still off-limits.

This kindness embarrassed me to no end, because I’m embarrassed that I’m so fat that a person would think this would be a good thing for me. Once I started thinking about how many people must now know about the key inquiry, I became even more embarrassed. This threw me right down into a spiral of feeling embarrassed, miserable, fat, ugly, and worse. It finally got to the point that I realized I couldn’t work any more, so I just left, and decided I’d go home and work later if I was up to it.

A good hour of sobbing and talking it out with my daughter has left me drained, but feeling better. I still don’t have any solutions, because I don’t know how to not feel embarrassed about such things, but at least the crying is over.

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